- For the past five years, I've been working from home while my husband goes to work.
- It has caused some issues like I want to connect and talk at the end of the day, and he doesn't.
- We've learned to give each other space and communicate when we need to.
Every day at 4 p.m., my husband rolls in from a long day of work as a high school administrator. He usually has had to deal with meetings, teenagers, teachers, and colleagues all day. For me, his greeting is the first live person I've talked to in nine hours.
As a work-from-home freelance journalist and marketing business owner, there are plenty of Zooms but few in-person conversations — let alone connections.
So, within hours of my husband coming home, the bickering begins.
"I thought you'd want to catch up and have a coffee date," I recently said.
"I thought you knew I needed to work out and not talk to anyone for a bit," he answered.
His rejections after coming home sometimes feel personal. But as we approach our fifth year of this arrangement, I've learned it's simply a product of our significantly different workplace environments. Here are the issues this has caused in our marriage and how we adapted.
I'm looking to connect, and he's hoping to disengage
If you've been home all day, you're ready to go. If you've been out all day, you want to stay home and get cozy. If you have cabin fever, as working from home can cause, the evening is time to get a break from the home and office. Similarly, I'm usually ready to chat and connect with another human while he's ready to work out, spend some alone time, and decompress.
"This topic has come up frequently between couples, and the addition of children further complicates this subject," Ashley Mahoney, a licensed mental health counselor at Arise Wellness, told me. "Within most of these situations, there tends to be a few common themes: social/communication needs, division of labor, and jealousy/resentment."
I'm also thankful that I get to save time every day now that I don't have to commute. But I've noticed the missing commute has quite an unexpected effect: There is no transition, both physically and emotionally, between home — and work and then work and home. This has led to some accidental "emotional dumping" on my partner. My rambling about the stressors of the workday doesn't always make sense and can cause unnecessary spillover into the evening or "home time."
I've tried to set up a faux commute by listening to a podcast and going on a walk, driving to the coffee store, or doing some other transition task, like changing into comfier clothes.
All responsibilities at home have fallen on me
UPS workers usually ring the bell with a package during a Zoom call, causing the dog to bark. I rush to mute my call, calm the dog, and answer the door. It seems small, right? Except if you take the time to add up the little interruptions throughout the day, they can seriously chip away at my motivation, sustained attention, and nerves.
In-office workers don't contend with this, and it can leave me feeling like the "default" parent — whether the school needs a sick kid picked up or a contractor or repair person needs help.
"It is easy to slip into misguided assumptions, consciously or not, that the partner working from home has 'more time' or that it is easier for them to absorb these tasks. This can lead to disruptions in routine, important tasks not being completed, and lots of resentment," Christina Granahan, an enneagram-informed coach, told me. "One can't communicate enough about these things — even over-communicate — to keep not only the household but the relationship intact."
For us, this means scheduling any appointments or kid-related visits outside my typical work hours, even though I technically could do it during the day. Since implementing this rule, there have been fewer fights ending in "But you get to work in peace!"
The next five years
Hopefully, it won't take another pandemic and half a decade more to fully ease the work-from-home/work-from-office conflicts in our relationships.
In the last five years, we've learned quite a bit, such as how to talk about what we both want and need and how to split up tasks fairly. We both have a better understanding of the other's needs and different realities.
I now expect my husband to walk in and head straight for the home gym. In fact, I keep working until he's done. Then we have that coffee date I've been waiting for.