- My twin brother was diagnosed with autism at the age of 2.
- He will always need assistance with things throughout his life.
- I've had to put having kids aside because I know I will have to take care of him in the future.
When my wife and I discuss having kids, we have to be realistic about what our future looks like from a different angle than most people our age.
Sure, we consider things like our uncertainty in our ability to parent, we worry about the climate crisis, and also worry about whether we can even support a growing family in this economy. But there's more than that for us.
My brother is autistic
My twin brother, Jon, is a lot like me in many ways. He is endlessly funny. He is perseverant and hardworking; if he has a goal, he will achieve it. He is passionate about his interests; I truly know nobody with such an in-depth knowledge of the Marvel universe.
Jon is also autistic — he received an early diagnosis at 2, and he's worked hard to become the person he is today. From a young age, I've known that Jon will need support throughout his (and my) future and that someday, when our mom is gone, it will be up to me to ensure he has the successful, happy life he deserves.
Jon attends an adult day program. He can work with assistance for a limited time span and attends activities in his community with friends. In many regards, his life is much like that of any adult: he goes to work, socializes, comes home, and watches TV or reads.
But he will also always need assistance to make sure his day goes smoothly. He cannot drive; he is unable to fill out important paperwork. He might not be able to convey that something is wrong when he isn't feeling well. He needs reminders and help with day-to-day tasks like laundry, brushing his teeth, and cleaning.
This is not a downside or a negative to being Jon's brother; it is his reality, as it is mine. Jon will always need assistance to live his life, and I am at peace with that, but it's hard to explain to others.
Our families want us to have kids
My wife's mom has made it clear she's hopeful for kids. It's not a surprise; my wife and her mom are both educators, so naturally, they're hoping for more kids to dote on.
Her hints have ranged from subtle comments to asking us if we'd have any use in the future for the childhood items she'd saved from my wife's younger years.
We have mainly tried to deflect or avoid the conversation. The reality is we don't have a solid answer. We've both talked about having kids for years with no conclusion. The idea is scary — as a struggling 23-year-old, it's hard to imagine a financially stable future where I could be a good parent.
But my future is also intertwined with my brother's in a way that's hard to explain. I do not know when I will become Jon's caretaker; it's painful to picture a future where my mom isn't around, but I know that, in reality, there will come a time when she is unable to provide the care Jon needs. When that time comes, I will be financially responsible for ensuring Jon can attend the program he needs and have a safe living situation.
I've never held a position where I was paid more than $20 an hour. My wife is a preschool teacher; she loves her career, but neither of us are exactly rolling in dough. Realistically, planning a future for a child is out of the question unless we get into vastly better financial circumstances. We can keep our fingers crossed, but family comes first — and my brother is no exception.