As the face of the new “Shield of the Americas” franchise, Kristi “ICE Barbie” Noem joins beloved figures like Mighty Lil’ Marco, The Incredible Truth-Bending Pete Hegseth, and Warhawkman, known also by his civilian alter ego Lindsey Graham, on their crusade to inspire the next generation of young Americans by blowing up s--t and pre-emptively saving the day. The adventures are sure to be endless for the Shield gang, whose members will never tire of searching for new ways to champion American expansionism and regime change. There is no excuse too flimsy, no cost too great to stop their crime-fighting (and potentially crime-abetting) sprees. Watch in awe as they leap entire hemispheres in a single bound, unburdened by accountability to the public or even to their own consciences.
ICE Barbie has found great success in introducing the excitement of paramilitary operations to American children, but she has achieved all she can at home and, as a result, is transitioning to the exciting and not-at-all-made-up role of Shield Captain. At the head of this all-star roster of neocon heroes, she will allow everyday citizens to connect more deeply with new and exciting military campaigns, moving from sowing domestic to international unrest. Who are the enemies? Who knows! While the eyes of most action-loving Americans are currently focused on Iran, she will encourage them to realize just how much more we are capable of, first leading the Shield into remote regions throughout South America with names she has spent hours learning how to mispronounce.
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