- Sarah Turner was a stay-at-home mom until 2021, working part-time around her husband's finance job.
- His job allowed him to work from home, so he took on all the domestic responsibilities.
- Sarah launched her business and no longer does household chores.
This as-told-to-essay is based on a conversation with Sarah Turner, 49, who lives in Suffolk, UK. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I've always worked, even after having children, but like many women, I squeezed myself around my husband, Neil, who was the breadwinner, working in the insurance industry in London.
Between having our two daughters, who are now 22 and 18, I became a stay-at-home mom. I looked after the children and the house, and managed to shoehorn my own part-time career as a counsellor and therapist around that.
Then in 2020, everything turned on its head. I wasn't very happy working at my job. Neil suggested I set up my own business. As I had supported him in his career, holding the fort at home, he recognized it was time to support me in mine.
My husband took on all the domestic responsibilities
Talk about a role reversal. Neil went from one extreme to another. Before this, he would leave for work at 6:30 a.m. and come home at 8 p.m. He had been off the map in terms of home life. He wouldn't have been able to tell you what class the kids were in, where they had to be at any given time, what clubs they attended, or what was in the kitchen cupboards. He was purely focused on his career.
That disappeared overnight. Without question, Neil took on all the domestic responsibilities so I could focus full-time on my business and career. I've been growing my business ever since, to the point where I've been able to expand what I do to launch my "Flourish Midlife" online program for women ages 40 to 60.
Many women who work full-time are still also worrying about everything else — the running of the house, the ferrying around of the children, while often also looking after their older parents. In some cases, it's worn like a badge of honor to be so busy and needed.
I, on the other hand, have gone completely the other way. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't do laundry. I don't get involved in anything domestic. And I'm completely shameless about it.
My husband's job has more flexibility
Neil still works full-time in insurance, but now fully from home, so he can fit in personal things around his working day. He has a senior role managing a team, so he can be flexible, whereas it's a bit more difficult for me when I have clients to see and am not available outside that. He also saves four hours a day by not having to commute to the office anymore.
Sometimes, when I tell someone that I don't cook, they'll try to offer me a simple recipe, assuming I can't cook. I will then have to correct them and say, "No, you've misunderstood me. I can cook. I choose not to because I've been there, done it."
My husband is more capable than I ever gave him credit for
Before, I was trying to do all of these things myself, but I've noticed I no longer feel resentful. This role reversal has brought us closer together because we now discuss more aspects of our home lives, whereas previously I would have just taken charge, which is good for our relationship in lots of ways. We respect each other a lot, and we were also keen to role model this new dynamic to our girls. Because Neil is more capable than I ever gave him credit for, and I suspect other husbands are, too.
I would say for anyone who was in my position and wants a change but feels a bit edgy about handing over all home and family responsibilities to their husband, perhaps delegate gradually. Keep communicating. You don't want anyone to feel like something is solely their responsibility. If my husband came to me and said he needed my help with something, I would, of course, do it. The thing with boundaries is they don't have to be rigid all the time — you can move them.
Because while I'm not feeling resentful anymore, and I'm in a joyous period of my life, I don't want Neil to become resentful, either. So we're always checking in with each other on how our work is doing and if we have enough gas in the tank.
Neil is now more of a hands-on dad and husband than ever. And as for me, I'm flat out with a full caseload at work — and Neil is really supportive of that. He wants me to do well.
The post I spent years balancing work and family. At 49, I'm finally focusing on my career while my husband handles the household labor. appeared first on Business Insider
