Dear Eric: I am the stepmother to two great young men. Their father and I have been together since they were teenagers. When they were young, it was a difficult but necessary position for me to be in when it came to teaching them about manners and household chores. They thought I was nagging them to put a napkin on their lap, take their hat off at the dinner table, take their shoes off when they entered the house, carry their dishes to the sink, put the seat down, etc.
Now that they are grown men, I am running into a similar, uncomfortable position with them and their significant others. I feel like I am stepping on eggshells and biting my tongue when they come to visit because they have seemed to forget the things we taught them years ago.
At a recent family gathering, none of the “kids” offered to help. They showed up empty-handed, sat down and waited to be served. Once the meal was finished, I had to ask them to help me clear the plates.
On another occasion, they went to a family holiday that my husband and I did not attend because we were out of town. It was reported back to us that they showed up empty-handed and did not offer to help the hostess clean up after the meal. We were mortified. My husband has offered to say something to them, but his delivery is not always the best. Please, help us help them.
— Stepping On Eggshells
Dear Eggshells: At this point, I think you may be overcompensating for the manners you wish these men had, so your husband’s delivery, poor though it may be, could be a helpful last resort.
At the end of the day, however, these are adults, and they have to be responsible for their own behavior. If you’re receiving reports about the behavior of these adults from friends, I’d gently remind these friends that you can’t control another person’s actions. It may feel like it’s a reflection on you or your parenting, but it’s not. They own what they do.
But, when they’re guests at your home, it will be helpful to verbalize expectations up front. It’s often easy to fall into old patterns, especially at a childhood home. But patterns don’t have to be set in stone. If you want help clearing the table, tell them, “We’re so happy you’re here. We want to have a gathering in which everyone is involved. We’ll serve and you clear. How’s that sound?”
Dear Eric: With the holidays approaching, I’m facing a dilemma. Politically, I guess I’m a Libertarian because I am somewhere in the middle, not far left or right. That’s one reason I don’t like discussing politics, as most people who do are at one of the extremes. The other reason is it’s almost always a very negative narrative against the other side, rather than what they believe is positive about their own side.
My dilemma is about Christmas. I’m from a very small family and have only a few cousins left. I’m invited each year to a cousin’s home for a lovely dinner party. I’m considering not going (i.e. staying home alone) this year because they are very liberal and very vocal about it. If I don’t chime right in with the Trump-bashing, which will be over the top this year, they accuse me of being a Trump supporter. (I have never voted for him.) I just don’t like the tone it sets at a festive time of year, and I choose not to participate.
We’re getting older and it may be the last time I see some of them, but the political rants just squash the spirit of the season. I feel I can’t say anything because it’s their home and their party. How do you suggest I navigate this?
— No Grinches
Dear No Grinches: While it’s true that it’s their home, as a guest and as a family member, you can ask for what you need in order to feel comfortable and welcome.
Start with a phone call. Tell them you value them and want to spend time with them, but that you find that the political debate wears on you and detracts from the holiday.
Don’t get into the who-said-what of it all. For the moment, let’s leave voting records out of it. This is a conversation about how to have a conversation. Ask them if they’d consider focusing on family, connectivity and celebration this year. Now, some families connect and celebrate by debating.
And maybe everyone in your family is like this, save for you. It’s still possible to modulate. But it’s going to take a conscious awareness of the patterns they fall into and a mutual decision to try something new.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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