Dear Eric: I have a friend that I generally enjoy spending time with, however she feels the need to constantly put into the conversation how great she is. I call it “Tooting Your Own Horn.” She can be very dramatic in general; I usually just don’t engage with those comments, because giving it air would be validating her grandiose ideas of her own self-worth.
The thing is, she’s not a bad person, and will definitely be there if you need her, but this constant self-promotion is very off-putting. Calling her out directly would make her angry and defensive, because she is, after all, the best.
Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this type of behavior? Avoiding her isn’t an option.
— Tired of It
Dear Tired: You wrote that you generally ignore her grandiose statements and that might continue to be the best course of action if you enjoy your friend’s other aspects and don’t want to talk to her about it. You might also reframe these statements in your mind. It’s quite possible that she feels the need to toot her own horn because of some deeper insecurity. Maybe she feels she needs to call herself great because she secretly believes she isn’t.
Or maybe she’s just conceited. Or has high self-confidence. Whatever the reason, one tactic is to remind yourself, “this is something she needs to do; it doesn’t have any bearing on me.” It won’t completely prevent it from being annoying, but it may lessen its impact on your relationship.
Another option is to approach this habit with curiosity. The next time she toots her own horn, you can ask about it instead of ignoring it. “I’ve noticed you make comments about that a lot. Have you noticed that, too? Can you tell me what it’s about?”
Dear Eric: I’m a 54-year-old divorced dad. I was dating a woman for just over six months. In a lot of ways, it was the healthiest relationship I’ve had in a long time. We had strong alignment on the “big things” (values, lifestyle, interests, chemistry, kindness). We supported each other through real-life stuff, and I genuinely felt we were building something solid.
Then it ended very suddenly.
On a Tuesday morning, she texted that she was “having doubts” and that things had been “building up.” We talked the next morning and she said, “the little things became bigger than the big things.” She listed several specific issues — my house (decor/cleanliness), my sense of humor (I’m playful; she’s more serious), worries about travel because I have teenage boys, and concerns about finances/retirement stability.
What I’m struggling with isn’t that she had concerns. It’s that I didn’t know they had grown into deal-breakers, and there was no “work on it together” phase. It felt like she quietly decided, then delivered the verdict. When we met one last time, she was worried I’d try to convince her; I told her I wasn’t. I just wanted to be heard and to understand. It still felt final and shut down.
Here’s where I’m stuck: I still care about her. I’m also hurt and honestly shocked at how quickly she cut it off given how good it felt overall.
Is there any healthy reason to reach out again, or is the kindest thing (to both of us) to let it be? How do you get closure when someone ends a relationship quickly and you never really get to talk through it?
— Sleepless in Louisville
Dear Sleepless: This is a really tough way to be broken up with. It often feels quite unfair. However, the issue that makes this breakup sudden and painful is the same issue that can lead to unhappiness in on-going relationships: an inability on the part of one or both people to communicate with openness and vulnerability.
So, without a track record or playbook for clear communication, I worry that any further contact is going to just hurt you more, rather than give you the closure you seek. Closure is, itself, a form of communication.
I think you’ll be better served by having a conversation with yourself. Acknowledge what you wanted to happen and what hurts about this relationship’s end.
Actively accept that it has ended, despite your wants and best efforts. Acceptance also involves releasing her mentally. Sure, you’ll still think about her, but when you do remind yourself that this is someone who you’ve sent off into the rest of her journey, not a “what if” or “could’ve been.”
Lastly, you may have to redefine what closure means to you in this context. You will probably not get the conversation that you want, but you do have the ability to care for yourself, to honor your feelings and to take the time that it takes.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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