Dear Eric: For the past several years, our family has celebrated the new year with another family at a very specific location on the Jersey Shore. It’s been a lovely yearly tradition.
This year, for whatever reason, we did not book the hotel. There was no mention of the trip all year, with us assuming it was not happening.
Then, a couple of weeks before the new year, the other family sheepishly mentioned they had booked a room at the same hotel we have stayed at for years. They asked if we wanted to join them, but of course it was quite short notice so we could not.
I suspect they knew for a while and simply didn’t want us there. Otherwise, wouldn’t they have reached out while making the reservation?
At any rate, they went to the shore and did all the things we usually do — posting all of it on social media — without us. I became more upset as I saw the photos. I feel this was a huge betrayal, enough that I do not care to see them for a while.
My husband feels I’m being petty, and that I should forgive them and move on. He agrees what they did is hurtful and selfish but doesn’t want to dwell on it. I feel something shifted in our relationship, and not in a good way. I’m seeing them in a whole new light and feel they truly did not want our presence.
We’ve been very close friends for more than a decade. I’m not sure how to get over this hurt. It really dampened my spirits this holiday season. What should our next steps be? Break up?
— Left Behind
Dear Left Behind: Ask them outright, “what happened with our New Year’s trip?” You might even tell them how you’re feeling about what happened. They may not know what you’re thinking, and they might be eager to make things right.
They might also be feeling something similar. It’s possible, isn’t it, that since you didn’t mention anything about the trip either, they could have thought you were backing away from them. Better to clear the air, and establish better communication for next time, than to break up hurting.
Dear Eric: I am a regular reader of “Asking Eric” and would like to offer another idea for the letter signed “Dining Dilemma”, from an older couple who were distressed about not being able to afford to tip when they went out to eat. I’m even older and address this problem by going out for lunch instead of dinner. Food is just as good and there is usually some to take home for later. The biggest bonus is that it is usually cheaper. My local restaurant has a special luncheon menu: Soup or salad, main course, dessert and coffee or tea. I live where the tip needs to be 20 percent but the total still comes out less than a dinner main course. Keep up the good advice, I enjoy your “good read.”
— Happy Diner
Dear Diner: Lunch instead of dinner is another great option, especially for folks who, like the letter writers, eat out multiple times a month.
I also want to correct something in my original response. I wrote that “most servers earn $2.83 an hour” and quite a few readers, especially those reading in Oregon (hello, and thank you for reading), pointed out that that’s not accurate.
I regret the error. Per the Department of Labor’s Minimum Wages for Tipped Employees chart (available online here), the minimum cash wage varies state-to-state. There are eight states and territories where the minimum cash wage is much higher, and the restaurants are required to pay servers the full state minimum wage before tips. On the other hand, there are 29 states and territories with a minimum cash wage under $4, with the majority of those being $2.13.
Tipping remains a flash point for many. But, no matter how one feels about tipping, this isn’t a system that servers created or are perpetuating any more than any of us created the expectations of our jobs. In America, the position has a built-in agreement that they will be tipped for the work, which is often quite demanding. Additionally, servers are usually required to give a portion of their tips to bartenders, bussers and sometimes other staff. Being resentful that servers “expect” a tip is putting the blame in the wrong place. This isn’t an ideal system, but it’s the system we’re in. There are many restaurants where the restaurant pays a living wage, and tipping isn’t part of the culture. It’s helpful for all diners to find out what the economic structure of your favorite restaurants are. It’s something in which you’re an active participant, tip or not, so it’s good to know.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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